Independence
I’ll warn you ahead of time. This post is going to take you in a few different directions. Partially because that’s how my brain works, but partially because of the Sudafed I’ve been on for a few days. Ha!
Independence day is right around the corner. Something I heard late last year has had me simmering for a while – might as well try and get some of those thoughts out on virtual paper. And, true story, I had already begun writing this post and a meme with the saying came up in one of my favorite Facebook groups, so I took it as a sign to get the rest of this finished and posted. Anyway, what has stuck with me for a while is:
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE
Sit with that for a minute. If that makes you bristle, maybe you need to take another minute. Extreme or ultra independence is a result of prior trauma.
For my whole life, I’ve prided myself on my independence. And, honestly, I wore it almost as a badge of honor. Maybe that’s why this saying has stuck with me, because it tainted what I considered to be a core component of my personality. I’ve been trying to decide if I’m extremely independent or just someone uncomfortable with the vulnerability that comes with asking for help. I certainly am more open to receiving help now than I ever have been before. That shift wasn’t post-divorce, though, it actually happened when I entered motherhood. I’m stubborn, particular, and wildly capable of doing most things, but being a self-sufficient island of one is lonely.
If you’ve had the deep hurt of someone who has let you down or left (because of their choices or death) it’s harder to trust someone else not to do the same. It makes sense that we don’t want to feel pain again; so if we don’t count on anyone for anything, we cannot be let down. But it also denies the opportunity for people to connect with us. Someone cannot step up and prove themselves if we go it alone in all things. Depending on someone else is scary, dependence is vulnerable, but I don’t believe we can live a full life alone. I’m not saying you have to be fully dependent on any one person, but let someone bring you a meal when you’re sick, let someone take your kids for a playdate, let someone mow your yard, let someone walk with you through hard times. You can remain capable of doing whatever someone might help you with, just don’t stubbornly go through life alone.
Not to say someone won’t let you down again, they certainly will, but the more you allow people in, I believe people will show you beautiful things. You deserve people who support you, you deserve people who care about your success, you deserve people who will protect your heart. Actions speak louder than words, and if you can’t let people SHOW you that they’ll be there for you, how will you know?
Ok – now that we’re good and deep, let’s go up to the surface for some air…
This weekend I’ve decided to find a different form of independence. Independence from stuff and independence from my phone.
I’m not anywhere close to a hoarder, but maybe that’s because I have enough drawers and closets to spread out all of my stuff. It’s a blessing and a curse, because I have soooo much STUFF, it’s just out of sight and out of mind. But seriously, I don’t keep trash or have rooms I cannot walk through – random fact, the ‘combustion factor’ of homes these days is much higher than it ever has been because of all the STUFF we all have! And there are more storage facilities than coffee shops – some podcast fun facts (this Hidden Brain podcast was fascinating)
I cleaned out my son’s dresser the other day and it felt SO GOOD. I need to do my daughter’s clothes, and I need to do a massive purge on my own closet. I have a craft closet full of small items I’m sure I’ll never use or that I can replace in 15 minutes for less than $5, so out it needs to go!
I have piles of paper that came home throughout the school year, I’ve got a dozen travel coffee cups (and I don’t travel or drink coffee), pantry items that are no doubt expired, every kitchen tool you could ever need, cables that go to who knows what, coupons that are long expired, etc.
Over lent I was able to tidy up a few spaces, but the progress was slow and I got distracted. My kid-free weekends can sometimes fly by without much being accomplished. I blame my phone. It’s so easy to waste hours scrolling and watching meaningless things.
So, for this long weekend, I’m turning off my phone from noon on Friday until noon on Monday.
I’m finding some independence, but not too much – if anyone wants to help, just knock on my door :)
One final twist in this post, because it’s almost the 4th of July – enjoy this amazing song from Hamilton sung by the King of England (Jonathan Groff) You'll Be Back - Hamilton on Spotify
