Power in Weakness

I have sat on this post for a while. Praying on my motivation for writing it and deciding if I should ever post it. I searched my heart for any anger (which has subsided), but I only come up with love and sadness. Love for someone who has deep wounds (even though he refuses to see or fix them). Sadness in the truth that hurt people hurt people, and sadness for victims who are usually too embarrassed or ashamed to talk about it.

At church we are in a series “Burn the Ships” about leaving the bad things of your past behind. This weekend’s message was a call to stop people pleasing and to focus on instead on pleasing God. It was also about not pretending to be perfect and being open about our weaknesses. It was about connecting to others through those weaknesses, and that message pushed me over the edge to post this.

Over the past month I’ve done a deep dive into my mind, my heart, and almost a dozen books. I identified a weakness within me that was exploited over a year and a half, and now I’m doing my best to learn and grow and heal so that I don’t allow someone else to hurt me.

People keep asking why my relationship ended, “What happened?!? We thought you were going to get married?!” Well, me too. House plans, rings, multiple planned vacations… all ended with a text.

I have a lot of people who care for me. If you’re reading my blog, you’re likely one of those people. That is a blessing I continue to be in awe of. I could just say, “oh, we were just different people” but that would make me complicit in the invalidation of my experience over 15 months, and I need to begin standing up for myself. I also believe that being open and vulnerable is the only way to make true, meaningful connections. I’ve seen it happen with my vulnerability during my divorce and the church ministry I’ve been a part of ever since. The human experience really isn’t very unique, and our shared experiences bond us. I also want to show women that it is not our fault when people manipulate and abuse us.

So - what happened?

• I was flooded with attention and affection from a man who I originally said I wouldn’t date because he was too fresh out of his marriage. He pushed, and I fell for it… hard.

• He was caring, and kind, and helpful, and vulnerable.

• He was the victim of his marriage, and gave tearful repentance for the choices he “was forced to make”.

• He pushed some minor boundaries that I set, but seemed eager to honor others.

• Until he didn’t want to.

He pressured me very early on to share my insecurities, to be vulnerable and that he would take care of me and assuage my fears. Our second time ever meeting he wrapped me up in a giant hug and whispered, “you’re safe, you can relax now.” He claimed over and over to be an open book and I was able to check anything I ever wanted. Intrusive thoughts won one morning, and 6-months in, I looked at his phone when he was in the shower (he had given me his password) and found some questionable things from a week before we met that I wanted an explanation for. I confessed a few hours later via text while he was at work and he said, “It is nothing I am ashamed of […] they will be deleted after showing you.” He texted that it would be a way “For me to rebuild my honor and you to learn to trust again.” He got home, and with a grand gesture of honesty handed me his unlocked phone open to the photo album and said he was willing to explain everything. But 1/3 of the photos had already been deleted. He said, “I don’t know what you mean.” “What woman?” “What event?” “These are all of them.” I remember intensely trembling and repeating over and over again, “I saw them, there were more… stop gaslighting me.” and he said, “no, these are all of them, I’m telling the truth”. I begged, begged, begged him to tell me the truth with tears flooding my face. He doubled-down. I finally showed him photos I had taken of his phone that morning proving he was lying, and his tune instantly changed when faced with proof “oh… I must have forgotten that I deleted some this morning I didn’t think that I had.”

I should have ended things then. Feigned honesty and the willingness to put me through the same manipulative trauma my husband put me though for years. But he blamed his forgetfulness, he totally didn’t MEAN to be dishonest, it was an accident and an oversight. He immediately turned himself into the victim and was hurt that I had looked at his phone - I could have just asked. And flipped me to be in the wrong because it wasn’t fair for me to have questions about photos before my time. I felt really guilty and accepted that he didn’t mean to gaslight me. It’s almost textbook manipulation to deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender (DARVO). He even brought this incident up after the breakup in a short, half-hearted list of apologies, but reminded me that I never actually had a right to even ask him about these photos… never an ounce of ownership for his manipulation during the situation. His memory was impeccable when he was championing his innocence, but anytime he had done something wrong, his mind conveniently failed him.

He promised he was an open book, but when setting up his new laptop I noticed a dating site email. With shaky hands and PTSD from finding evidence of my ex-husband’s affair, I made him open the link in front of me. He protested, strongly, but I stood firm. Sure enough… a message he had sent to a woman on E-Harmony when we had been dating for 7 months. I packed his things and made him leave, but on his way out he got aggressive and was yelling at me because, “it was innocent, and I never would have done anything!” He stormed off and blocked me for a few hours and stewed as the victim.

I should have let it end there. But by then I was already deeply trauma bonded. He had praised me so much over the first six months, and had pushed me to be so vulnerable that he had become my safe person. He had also broken me down, and I was addicted to his approval and affection. He apologized, and went to work making sure the dozens of dating apps he had been on were deleted. I felt like he had made amends and closed the exit ramp, but in hindsight we never got to the root cause of why he turned away from us.

More little things came up over and over again, but anytime I would vulnerably communicate, “When you do X, it makes me feel Y, and I need Z.” He would agree, appease, and then continue to do X anyway. My self-esteem faded losing count of how many times he said he liked lighter hair… and curly hair… how many outfits he’d send me that he liked, comments on clothes or shoes that other women were wearing. “But just do what you like...” Which inside made me horribly insecure, and I spent so much money on highlights and new outfits trying to get back to the original level of attention he first gave me in the love bombing stage.

My boundaries never changed, they were always clearly stated. I’d stand up for them but then sit right back down when he would cross them. In hindsight, I had become codependent. I had given all of myself to him, and the success of the relationship mattered more to me than my own boundaries. My efforts were focused on helping him heal, to understand the root of the issues he kept blaming on me. He refused to look inward, and I continued to keep trying despite being hurt over and over and over again. My pride, my stubbornness, a longing for the partner he originally appeared to be… The pastor said, “when you worry so much about pleasing others, there is usually a person who ends up unhappy - you.” Don’t I know that, now.

I asked to see his phone one night. I found some more things that crossed our agreed upon boundaries, but he was able to explain them away (and I accepted his explanation), but then he went quiet and decided to not stay over. The next day I got a text (yep, a text) breaking up with me: “You let your true self show through after a few drinks […] you won’t be able to trust me and that isn’t on me at this point. It is not something I can control and is not the way in which I want to live my life […].”

Did I have trouble trusting him? Yes. Did he add to my distrust on multiple occasions? Yes. Did he ever take responsibility? Never an ounce – he always blamed my marriage wounds. He said the words of an apology, but kept doing what he wanted to (even said in an email, “I made changes for ME, not YOU”). I wonder if he finally realized that even though my boundaries were weak, I wouldn’t stop bringing them up. I couldn’t ever trust an untrustworthy person, and he wasn’t willing to do the work to fix the person in the mirror that I kept holding up to him. He never showed any empathy or understanding for how his direct actions cracked our foundation. He was always eager to help and support other people, but I only ever got empty promises and 11th hour help.

Love bombing for a solid 6 months, then almost a year of gaslighting, blame shifting, discard, repair, repeat.

The manipulation convinced my brain that everything was 100% my fault: my former marriage issues, my insecurities, my lack of trust. I instantly went to ‘fix me mode’ and went to my therapist to figure out how I could be a better partner for him. Even the blog posts before this are embarrassing cries for him to work on us – to keep trying. I apologized to his children for my failures in the relationship and that I still had some hope for things working out.

I honestly think I would have been trapped for years, so the one thing I do thank him for is the final discard that allowed me to open my eyes to how toxic the relationship actually was. I pray that he heals whatever wound(s) he so desperately keeps trying to fix with the attention of women. I question now if anything that we had was real, or if I was just a means to him feeling loved. My therapist, my friends, my family – all saw red flags but trusted that I knew what I was doing. I didn’t. I was so very lost, but I’m finding myself again.

In hindsight I made a list of 47 red flags I should have paid attention to. I embarrassed to say that I saw more than I’d like to admit, but I chose to rationalize them away because of how he made me feel in the beginning and the plans and promises he made. My work is to figure out why I didn’t value myself more and walk away much, much sooner. I think self-forgiveness is often more difficult than forgiving others. That’s the work for me to do now.

Why am I posting this?
To burn the ship of this relationship and never look back except to remember the red flags to pay attention to.

Why am I posting this?
Because it is not our job to fix someone else’s brokenness or beg them to honor our boundaries.

Why am I posting this?
Because even strong, smart women can find themselves emotionally manipulated.

Why am I posting this?
Because I’m tired of women hiding emotional abuse and feeling like it is somehow their fault or embarrassing.

Why am I posting this?
Because if any of it sounds familiar – LEAVE (as quickly and safely as you can) and heal yourself.

Why am I posting this?
Because I believe that the best is yet to come.