Bad Pancakes
I heard one time, years ago, that after you get out of a serious relationship, you will mess up the next relationship – just like the first pancake in a batch. Over the last four years, I have made the bad pancake, been the bad pancake, and seen countless others have their own pancake experiences in dating. I am now a firm believer in the ‘bad pancake theory’ and share it with everyone I coach through divorce and dating!!
In general, people get back into the dating pool way too soon after a major relationship ends. I’ve seen a few reasons for this: People don’t want to be alone. People do a little healing and think they’re ready. People want to prove to themselves or others they have moved on. People are seeking attention or validation they didn’t get previously. People get external pressure to ‘get back out there’.
The problem with dating too quickly, is the unhealed parts of you usually attract other unhealed people (or will complicate/ruin things with someone secure). If you are trying to fill a hole, you might not notice (or might be willing to accept) red flag behavior because a need is being met. This is where all the “but” rationalization creeps in. Dating before you are fully healed is how people get right back into one toxic relationship after another. They haven’t reset the patterns or healed the wounds from prior ones. Some people try to start dating before custody or financial agreements are finalized in a divorce – how can you begin a relationship and not even know what your new normal looks like?!
It’s important to figure out your identity as an individual before getting back out there. In long-term relationships we can lose sight of ourselves and our identity can become isolated to parent or spouse and it’s easy to live for other people. After the loss of a partnership, it’s important to figure out who YOU are – on your own. Then, the you that you have chosen or found again can search out a complimentary partner. Don’t let who you date decide who you will be – because you might wake up months or years later and be someone you don’t like (someone who HIKES or CAMPS for example!! haha – kidding… a little).
The other serious problem coming off of a big loss, is sometimes you just WANT something so badly, that your heart can deceive you. I remember my first ‘relationship’ after my divorce. It was at least 8 months after, and a friend set us up. He literally said, “I’m not looking to seriously date anyone.” And a handful of dates later, he seemed super interested and I was like “are we exclusive?” He pulled away, and I was like, “what’s happening?!” and I was SO HURT when I came across him on a dating app a week later – hahahaha – in hind sight I was a baby giraffe trying to figure out how the heck to walk. Burned that pancake real good (I apologized to him many months later and we are on good terms when I run into him around town). After a desert, a few ounces of water can feel like a flood. It’s nice to already be satiated when determining how big feelings actually are – and to have stillness to discern if feelings are being demonstrated through actions and not just words. I stay hydrated now… I’m not as thirsty as I used to be.
I’ve also been the burnt pancake. Burning a pancake can be embarrassing if you’re self aware enough to realize it. Being burnt can be heartbreaking. Most of the time I say ‘no thank you’ to anyone less than a year out of something big. In one short-lived relationship I saw it coming, and tried to keep myself from developing any real feelings before things ended amicably. But I was gutted. I saw the warning signs, but I hoped and prayed I was wrong… that it could be the exception. Unfortunately, seeing it coming doesn’t make the burn hurt any less… not when your heart plows over your head. I also didn’t have the comfort of any redirected anger… because sometimes people are just hopefully naïve and end up unintentionally hurting you when they aren’t ready. Burns take a while to heal, though… rebuilding the layers takes time.
“But I NEVER burn pancakes!”… well, isn’t that nice for you (ha). Imagine making a pancake for the first time in 10/15/20 years - on a brand new stove, in a brand new kitchen, with strange utensils. You don’t know what heat to set it to. You don’t know the timing of things. Unfortunately, the bad pancake is almost unavoidable… even if you’re a Blackstone master. We all like to think we are the exception – but statistically we are not. Some people will screw up over and over and over again, but most will learn and adjust and hopefully one day figure out how to create something just right. Side note: this is also why I ask the first date or two what people would do differently or what they learned from their last relationship. If they don’t have an insightful answer, that’s a red flag!
I was asked one time, “when do you know you’re ready to date?” and my answer was simple: if you feel like you NEED to date, you aren’t ready. When it becomes the cherry on top. When it is extra. When you already feel complete. Because trying to fill a missing piece will cause you to strive and settle and delay your own healing. When you know who you are and what you want, you won’t allow the wrong people to waste your time or energy.
May all your pancakes always be light and fluffy!
XX
Langley
How perfect on my leftover Halloween plate?!
HBD-TT
