I Was Wrong

This post is for me… not for you. I realized that I post when I’m having trouble processing something. There is a catharsis in getting it written down and out in the universe. I’m humble enough to know that nothing I post on here is anything special, but I also appreciate how the human experience is rarely a unique one, so maybe my ramblings make one person feel less alone, or make a different choice.

My world went a little topsy turvy at the end of last year, and I was exposed to a new level of brokenness. I felt vulnerable in a scary way and wanted to change my approach to dating. I came across an image online that said, “choose the man who loves you, not the man you love. Because the man who loves you will go to the end of the earth for you. While the man you love will only love you on HIS terms. A woman has the ability to grow to love a man, but a man ONLY loves you from the start or he doesn’t at all”. After my heartbreak, that sounded like a very safe idea. I printed that image, as well as a few others, and put them up on the bathroom mirror. I also read a dating book that helped you “fall in love for all the right reasons” by identifying compatible traits in a partner - which was going to be my filter when I began dating again. The plan with my therapist was to keep that list as a north star and not move forward with anyone who didn’t match up.

Well, just my luck, my very first date back in the dating pool went really well, and lots of stuff seemed to line up. But over time the alignment kept moving further apart until I realized only 2 of the top 5 were in sync, with 2 others hit-or-miss and some practically opposite. But there were no red flags, and some absolutely amazing bonus things I couldn’t have dreamt to put on my list. So I moved forward… But over time, things began to bug me - some I tried to work out between us, others felt too trivial to bring up, but I could feel myself distancing while he grew closer.

I had taken down most of the images from my mirror; but one day I dug through my drawer needing to look at the quote as a reminder – that being loved was safer than being in love. I felt safe with him. I didn’t doubt for a second his loyalty. It was comfortable. I felt loved in a way I haven’t known before (though his actions after things ended have cast some doubts on this). But as time went on during the relationship, and as he seemed to fall harder, I struggled more and more. It felt selfish. It felt unfair keeping him occupied (though I was upfront about my feelings not developing), but he was patient with me. The differences just kept getting bigger and wider.

I wrestled for a long while with many questions: Is being loved enough? Could I settle? Had last year broken me from being able to love? Was I operating out of a place of fear? Did I see anything changing? At the end of the day (a lot of days actually) the answer to all of those questions remained no. I wanted it to be enough. I wanted to connect deeper with him. So much was wonderful, but “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. […] And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13

There is one image that hasn’t left my mirror, and maybe that’s because I was meant to have a new perspective on it. Originally it was a reminder to not fall without being loved, but now I realize that the opposite doesn’t work either.

Since I’m currently without love, I’ll lean back on faith and hope until love comes…

XO ~ Langley