Eyes to See
I went through an exercise going into 2024 to decide what mattered to me in a partner. I spoke about that process in the last post. I continue to struggle applying that filter to relationships. Part of that is me wanting to see the best in people, but another part of that is people not knowing themselves.
I don’t know why I struggle so much with discernment. I know that on some level I still wrestle with a scarcity mindset. Maybe I do feel like I’m asking for too much. Logically I don’t believe either of those to be true, but emotionally it’s sad to think of a future without someone to spend it alongside. I know I would be OK, but I have so much love to give (and would love to know what it feels like to truly share that with someone).
The book I read ( Falling in Love for all the Right Reasons – amazon affiliate link here: https://amzn.to/3XO2kOR ) covers deal breakers and 16 connection points in a relationship. I identified where I fell on all of them, and decided the top five that were most important to me. I boiled that down to this list I added to my phone before embarking on the 2024 season of dating (ha):
I thought men who I scored high matching with me on e-harmony would be similar across most areas. Unfortunately, either the test is bunk, or people answer based on their IDEAL and not their REALITY. Some examples (not all e-harmony, and some more recent than others):
Honest: I feel like this one is pretty straightforward. I have zero tolerance for lies. This one is sometimes sneaky, but eventually liars get caught. It’s not just fidelity, though. It’s also about hiding behaviors and history or masking as someone you aren’t.
Faith: I have had many men tell me they have a strong faith. One didn’t go to church because his wife ‘got the church’ in the divorce. One ‘watched online sometimes’ but when I’d want to talk about the message the schedule just didn’t line up that week. Or the one who said he attended regularly, but when I went with him, his kids acted like it was their first time in the building and they didn’t know where anything was. I regularly attend church. Faith is central to my life. Someone ‘with faith’ who doesn’t have a PRACTICE of faith, is just belief. I want to be equally yoked with someone who is growing THEIR relationship with God that will be a support and inspiration in MY growth with God. I know a man who started a men’s group. I know a few men who go every Sunday, with or without their kids. I know a man who does a daily devotional each morning. THAT is the faith I’m looking for.
Curious: I am a curious cat. I like to understand things – to know things. I like to figure out how things work. I want to know why a movie is your favorite and what snack you’ll want to eat watching it. I want to understand how and why you’ve formed your opinions and beliefs. I want to hear your history and how you got here. I want to learn why you value what you do. Part of it is to understand all the beautiful layers of a human, but also because I realize that my way of thinking isn’t universal. Curiosity often reflects a humility that MY experience isn’t THE experience. I cannot tell you how many dates (or long-ish term partners) don’t ask about me, don’t want to get to know me. They’ll listen if I share, but if I’m quiet, they don’t ask anything below the surface. I want to do life with someone who can be curious alongside me about the world and about me. Why something might upset me, how we can tackle issues together. Fundamental curiosity helps keep a couple close because as you learn about someone you can adapt to meet their needs.
Leans In: This could also be ‘intentional’. Relationships don’t just happen. You don’t grow closer to someone by accident. At this age and stage you cannot put together a foundation when it’s convenient. If you don’t make time to see each other, time to communicate, sacrifice some of your ‘normal’ to see how someone could fit in your life. To think you can keep the status quo and also create a beautiful partnership to me sounds naïve (or lazy). This also helps offset some of the anxiety I can get in relationships from my betrayal and abandonment trauma. Ironically the anxiety only kicks in when I feel that someone lean out who was previously leaning in. Now, don’t misunderstand that this means I need to see someone every single day or text 24/7, I don’t. But to me it is important to have plans on the books and not go multiple days without contact when you are in a relationship. Sharing thoughts/feelings are also ‘leaning in’ and vulnerability can be too much for some people.
I know some men have outright lied about some of the above, but some also just have different reference points. They might think they have a strong faith compared to their atheist friends. Or they might think they’re curious compared to past avoidant partners. Or they might be leaning in as far as they know how, or what was normalized at the end of their last relationship. Or they say they have time and energy for a relationship, but when they need to give time and energy they have none. They might not be able to be honest with themselves about their capacity. I’ve gotten too trapped by potential and not reality, or by performance that fades over time. It’s my boundary to enforce, not an opportunity to teach or beg a man to change. I’m getting better at boundaries.
I’ll continue to try and apply these attributes as a filter when I meet new men. It’s hard when things are new and shiny and hopeful, but I’m getting better at listening to my gut and ending things quickly. I’ll continue to pray for the discernment to have eyes to see instead of ears to hear.
Hugs - Langley
