Lost in Translation
If you aren’t familiar with love languages, Gary Chapman wrote a book ages ago called The 5 Love Languages. He’s since made variations for children, specifically in marriages, as a single person, etc. etc. I’ll be honest – I’ve only read the original, but plan to read the one about children because I think feeling loved and understood is the best security I can give my children – but I digress.
The basic 5 “love languages” are: Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch
One of these might quickly jump out to you as your favorite, but there’s actually a test that helps you figure out which love language you best receive based on a few dozen scenario questions. You can take the test I took HERE without having to give your email or sign up for anything: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
I’ve taken the test 3 times in my life. My first time was in college in like 2004 and physical touch was my top language. But then I took it in March of 2021 when I was ready to begin dating post-divorce. Words of Affirmation was leaps and bounds ahead of the others with Physical Touch as a distant second. My third time was just now – when I searched for the link above I decided to retake it. Words of affirmation was at 40% and Quality Time was now the distant second at only 27%.
Great – so what’s your point, Langley? Well, if you want to be a good partner to someone (or parent to someone, or even friend) it’s important to know what fills their emotional bucket. I could buy my daughter a billion toys, but what brings her the most joy is 15 uninterrupted minutes of my attention. If your husband fixes every little thing around the house and doesn’t understand why you aren’t happy, it might just take a hug or a held hand to make you feel loved.
Often we GIVE love the way we want to receive it, but if we really care about the other person, it’s important to demonstrate our affection in the way they receive the most impact from it.
I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and intentional work in order to be a healed and complete person before I began dating. The best way to find yourself in a codependent relationship is to be looking for someone to complete you – not compliment you. Being a whole, healed person is your best way to find another whole, healed person to come alongside you!
Over the last year I have ended 2 relationships because my love language wasn’t being met. They were both wonderful men with tons of amazing qualities, but I never felt affirmed and something big felt missing. I’ve become more comfortable vocalizing my needs and having the strength to end an ‘ok’ thing when those needs aren’t being met. It was VERY hard at first, and the most recent time I decided to look inward and figure out WHY and if I was being too “picky” and should “get over it” and just notice what they DID do and appreciate that affection instead of looking for someone who was able (or willing) to ‘speak my language.’
I’ve made the joke a few times now that my love language is words of affirmation not because I need the affirmation, but because I need to be reassured the person I’m with realizes what a catch I am (said with full humility as a child of God). The sad truth behind the joke is my ex didn’t value me enough to lean in. I was given gifts, we spent time together, he would help out around the house when he was home – and he was already long out of our marriage. In some way I think the tangibility of words and lack of misinterpretation helps make me believe someone cares for me – much more than buying flowers or planning a date does. Don’t get me wrong – those count, and they mean something, just not as much as confirming that they see value in me.
If you truly care about someone, I believe you will care that they feel your affection – that’s how I plan to love and be loved going forward. Wish me luck!
XO ~ Langley
