Blinded by Fear
I literally blinded myself due to fear last week in a haunted house. Hoodie pulled up and cinched as tight as I could. Focused intently on the floor, eyes only open enough to see my feet shuffling on the ground. Holding on so tightly to my partner that I didn’t let him get even 2 inches away from me. It was probably not a great experience for him, and I didn’t get the full experience either. I took credit for going, for taking the steps… but I actually didn’t do the scary thing. A sad, but fitting analogy for how I realize I’ve been handling relational fear.
When someone who you believe truly cares about you gives you direct, hard-to-hear feedback from a place of frustration and exasperation, you would be dumb not to listen. It took a (metaphorical) slap in the face to make me realize I’ve been wearing fear as a protection.
I was betrayed deeply by my husband. As humans we have a bias towards negativity. It’s evolutionary to see the bad things; it protects us. But because of my trauma, my brain is still operating on emergency alert level even though the threat has passed. I have clung to the false-belief that if I can see it coming, or if I can control a situation, that I can prevent myself from more hurt. Small hurts get turned into big hurts in my mind so I won’t ‘not see it coming’ again (mental note: add ‘circle back to self-forgiveness’ on my things-to-work-on list).
Our brains are built to protect us, but sometimes they try to protect us when they don’t need to. We have to intentionally make choices to rebuild those mental pathways to route the brain to peace instead of fear.
I said the other day that the way to combat fear is trust. But the pastor at church last week said the opposite of anxiety is to know what is true. I need to focus on what’s true – about God, about a partner, about life. Jesus tells us, “not be anxious about your life” (Matthew 6:25).
My fear blindness caused me to not see the truth with my present partner, and tore apart our relationship. Being so focused on reinforcing my walls, I didn’t see someone hurting on the other side of them. In an attempt to prevent potential hurt, I was causing us both current hurt.
Blind spots are by definition things we cannot see, but once we see them, it is our responsibility to take ownership and fix them. That’s the work I’m starting now. I’m doing my best to give myself grace about the 11th hour epiphany – but only when we know better, can we do better. I don’t want to be an island, I don’t want to push people away. I want to take down walls and build a partnership.
It might be too little, too late… and the irony of that is the decision will come down to someone trusting me. Trusting me to do the work, trusting me to focus on the good and not to magnify the bad. But in reality, it’s believing in a God who can mend wounds and heal hearts.
P.S. – I looked online to try and get tickets to go through the haunted house again – by myself. I don’t want to be blinded by my fear any longer - I want to face it head on with eyes wide open - even if it’s scary. But apparently haunted houses close at Halloween, so guess I’ll just watch a super scary movie in the dark in the basement.
Aforementioned safety hoodie as we waited (and one of the 7 kiddos who were less chicken than I was).
